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Monday
Jul022012

[a promise] letting it go

watching it go by
photo: watching it go by. danshui fisherman's wharf, taiwan [iphone 4s]

last week, i went on this roller coaster ride through extreme emotions that surprised even myself. i thought i was feeling better. instead, i found that the melancholy had been replaced by bitterness, and sometimes fury.

in a perfect world [for me], every person is kind, polite, and uncomplicated. sensitive and attentive to detail. sympathetic. and wise. instead of love or friendship or support, i was looking for the holy grail. i've been irritable, and i can't seem to let a single thing go. i pored over every word said to me, looking for their intent. perhaps i was looking for evidence that i was wronged somehow. an excuse to get really angry.

i actually bought those self-help books and read that my feelings are totally normal. truth is, after this, nothing is normal. physically. emotionally. but i guess it makes me feel better that other people go through a very similar cycle. i don't feel so crazy anymore. about acting crazy.

but, after weeks of self-pity and non-stop complaining, i decided i didn't like myself this way. while it's better to vent instead of keeping your feelings bottled up, not letting go of those feelings is a slippery slope to depression. i don't want that.

there's a lot to look forward to if i let myself. york getting back today. the next craft club. photography. summer barbecue parties.

so, even if i have to fake it for a while, this is a promise to myself to get back on track and live a healthier, happier life.

[i apologize to everyone who's had to put up with me in the last few weeks.]

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